you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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