I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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