I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
