Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
