my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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