You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
