You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
someone owes me an orgasm
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I got inside last night via doggy door
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize