In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
