he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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