remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
