Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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