im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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