you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
