you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
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