did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I am in a vortex of obligation.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
