can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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