You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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