she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
