He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
