He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
