I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
