God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
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