I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
