Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
