Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
