i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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