There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
FUCK WHALES
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
