Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
