Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
