Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
