yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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