weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
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