I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
