What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
