We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
