idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
