I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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