I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
