Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
