the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
