ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
