no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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