it's not cheating when I paid for it
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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