Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
