I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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