In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize