So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
