I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
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