We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
