When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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