Sponge bath it is.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
