like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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