i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
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