So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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