Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Randomize
