i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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