Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
